Chapter 146
0146 You might be wondering why my time at Red River and Black Moon was not enough to heal me. If you had asked me that question before I left for Hawaii, I would have wondered that too. But the day that I wrote Brady that letter and left Black Moon, I had an epiphany. Being at Red River and Black Moon was wonderful, and I appreciate how much the Hyders and both packs did for me. At the same time, the Hyders often treated me more like “Lily-the-she-wolf-who-was- abused-and-who-is-in -da nger” than just “Lily.” I am not trying to be ungrateful. I miss the packs and all three of the Hyders a lot. It is just that, now that I have been on my own for a few weeks, it feels nice to be around people who do not know my story and who do not feel sorry for me all the time. (No one at the Wolf Packers has asked me my story; they have an strict but unwritten “only tell your story when you are ready” policy.) It also feels nice to be the one helping instead of the one being helped. In a strange way, I feel like being away from West Mountain, Red River, and Black Moon means that – instead of my circumstances defining who I am- I finally have a chance to define myself. It feels freeing and exciting. And it means I can finally learn the lessons that I should have learned before I turned 20 and met my mate. Which brings me back to James. And his declaration of love. I miss him, but I am not ready for that. I hurt that he is hurting, but am I ready to be his cure? Did I lead James on when I reached out to him? Rose really had been whining for Luke every day… and then I was in a position to get the baseball jersey and framed photo that I knew James would like….. and I really did miss James… and I thought it could not do any harm to send him my phone number… and there was nothing wrong with being friends with him… But did acting on the desire to stay in touch with James somehow lead him on? Did I wrongly him think that I am ready for a commitment that I am not actually ready for? One of the reasons that I left Black Moon was to avoid hurting James and Brady while I worked through my feelings. By reaching out to James and sending him those gifts, did I just complicate things for everyone in spite of myself? “LILY, STOP!” Rose yelled at me through the link. “Lily, I think you are overthinking things again,” Rose told me gently once I paused my ranting. “Read his text messages again. He is regretting his behavior in the past. He is hurting. He wants to earn your “But, Rose…. “His text messages were about him, not you. He is acknowledging that you are not there yet. He is not reading too much into things, Lily. He is just telling you how he feels. And he is trying to grow up himself. That is a good thing. He is doing the same thing you are doing. He is just getting there a little faster.” I thought for a moment. Rose’s perspective, as usual, had some merit. Acknowledging that did not make me any less scared, but it did make me panic a little bit less. I just hoped she was right. Taking a deep breath, I looked at the phone for another minute -just in case James might send me something else- and then decided to go back to bed. I have a long day tomorrow. I laid under my blanket for a few minutes, staring at the desk. “Rose?” “Go ahead, Lily.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, Lily. I have been sure for a while. You were the one panicking.” I got up and grabbed my phone. Before I could change my mind, I quickly typed out a text and hit send. Me: “Sure, let’s talk by phone tomorrow. Can I call you? If so, what time is best?” There. I did it. Now, time to sleep.
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